When I was 20, I had my first (and really, only) longish term boyfriend. He was a pretty nice guy, decent looking and smart.
I got annoyed with him a lot.
One of the things that annoyed me the most was that he hadn’t traveled.
That’s right, I got annoyed about stuff that he didn’t do.
Okay, so I think that I have become significantly less bitchy in the last six years. I have realized that people can be interesting and lovely without having much interest in travel. (And, in fact, I’ve come to fear that it is just me that has to get out of my surroundings in order to become interesting.)
But I still have a couple related problems:
First, I’m a travel snob. I can tell how snobby the words sound as they are coming out of my mouth, but still I say stuff like: “Okay, you can’t say you really like to travel if you just go to Europe.” I compare my “travel cred” with others. Even my little brother and I have had long debates about who’s a better traveler: (Europe, Australia, West Africa x2, Central American x2 and Jordan by 26 versus Europe, Australia, Equitor, Cuba, Mexico and West Africa x1 by 22.)
Seriously, I sound like a jerk.
Secondly, how to relate to those without the travel bug? Nobody likes the person who gets back from a trip and says this every other sentence: “So, this one time in Turkmenistan…”
That’s why I’ve tried to limit the amount I blab about a trip when I get back to Canada. (It’s hard, but I try.) I know that most people, even though they ask, don’t really care to hear the details of your trip. So I’ve swung pretty far in the other direction. Last year, when people asked “how was Africa?” I’d answer: “Hot. Full of black people.” And then change the subject.
But I still have a hard time relating sometimes to those that are completely sedentary. I can’t really understand that choice, just as they can’t really understand mine. Why didn’t I get a job with the federal government like everyone else in my Masters program? Why am I moving away from Ottawa when I have so many lovely, wonderful and supportive friends? Why don’t I stay put and save up for a down-payment on some real estate?
Just as I want people to respect my lifestyle, I also want to be respectful of people that are more traditional. But I think that sometimes I accidentally give the impression that I’m not respectful (sometimes I speak way before I begin to think.) I need to fix this.
Perhaps most problematic is my tendency to use traveling as a criteria for a romantic partner. I can’t help but be less interested if a man is not a traveler. (Of course, this might have to do with another criteria… I can only really envision a relationship with someone that will be willing to live a transient lifestyle with me.) My mom says I have to think outside the box when it comes to men. But the thing is, I already am outside the box. Maybe what she really means is that I have to think inside the box.
Ah, well. I’m going to keep working on being less of a travel snob, but I’m not going to change. One month, five days until my Masters is finished and I am away, away, away!
Comments 3
You really lay this out there completely.
When you travel far enough in one direction – regardless if you are traveling physically or not – it becomes almost impossible to backtrack and ever live neutrally again. You are a traveler, this is your life. I do not think that you can expect to communicate in the same ways that you use to with people who do not live as you do. This is not bad, this is normal. Conversation and friendship often requires a certain amount of mutual interest to be rewarding or worth pursuing. This does not mean that you cannot be friends with people who do not travel, but that it may be vastly more difficult to fully share your life with such people.
I do not think that I could communicate very deeply with a business man for too long. The mutual interest is simply not there.
Traveling is a lifestyle, a way of living that is at odds with other ways of life. A traveler’s values, motives, and experiences are way different than someone who stays at home. I do not think that either way is any better, but different lifestyles cannot always be blended together.
I have found traveling to be the best way of living for me, but I know that it would not be good for 90% of the people I meet. This is OK. I have come to terms with the fact that I probably will not pursue deep friendships with 90% of the people that I become acquainted with: the basis for deep conversation and mutual experience are just not there.
I know that people who do not travel and have no ambition to do so are probably not interested in hearing me talking about traveling. This is OK, I don’t talk about traveling with these people, I try to have conversations about other things. But, in the end, I like talking about things that interest me, and if I am going to have a deep friendship with someone it is likely that they will have similar interests: that they will want to hear what I have to say, that I will get to speak of what I want to.
Conversation is enjoyable in two ways: it is fun to listen to another person talk and it is also fun for me to talk about what I want to. I cannot really talk of the mechanics of traveling to someone who does not travel, just as such a person cannot really speak to me about television programs. The raw ingredients for deep friendship just are not there.
It was rough for me to realize that I have become set in my ways – set in my path – and that was not longer this clay like, pliable substance that could be molded into whatever I wished whenever I wished. It was weird when I realized how hard I have become. I manufactured an identity for myself based upon my lifestyle. I no longer jump between lifestyles or pursuits. I travel. My experiences have built themselves up along a certain path to the point of being pigeon holed.
From this entry, I think that this may be similar for you.
Don’t worry about having troubles dating dudes who don’t travel. A long time ago I realized that trying to date people who did not live a lifestyle that could be compatible with my own was pointless.
I remember traveling with an old traveler in the Peruvian Amazon one year. He was in his early 50’s and single. I asked him if he ever wanted to find a partner, and this is what he said:
“Yeah, it would be nice, but I have not yet found someone going the same way as me yet.”
He was not worried about being alone, as he knew that his life was far better traveling the path he wanted to rather than adapting it just to be with another person, that for a relationship to work both people need to be going the same way.
I suppose the trick is finding someone going your way. This may sound superficial, but I do not believe that it is, it is practical.
Hey, I know a bunch of lone traveling dudes who would love to have a perpetual traveling companion with them if you want me to offer introductions haha
It is great to read something honest by someone who is not concerned with writing themselves as an imperfect person. This is good.
Walk Slow,
Wade
Posted 11 May 2009 at 1:11 pm ¶Hey Wade, looks like I’m following you. I just started reading this site. Maybe I saw it on your site? Maybe hobotraveler…
Anyway, great comment to a great post. This would make a great subject for your site as well. In fact, it might make a good article for some magazine. $$$$
The comment about no longer being pliable clay is spot-on. Happens to all of us sooner or later. Not a bad thing. Caitlin, maybe what you need is a person that is WILLING to travel, but has not yet. Sometimes bringing someone into a lifestyle of yours and watching them grow into it is great, although the commitment required, and the pain and potential for failure may be too much in a case like this.
I have met many people that think they want to travel like you do. (me included) but the reality of it is most of us either would not if given the chance, or could not mold themselves to enjoy it. I like to think I could, but I know I could not. Not the way you, Wade and many other do. I have been trying to find a woman that could do the kinds of travel I like to do. I have dated women that said they like to travel, but you could not get them out of the house. And I have dated ones that could not/would not spend the money, or could not afford to take the vacation time away from their jobs etc. I finaly realized that having one that does not mind me heading off on my own is plenty good enough. Maybe I settled. Maybe it is the L word, don’t know. Maybe I’m just old….
Bob L
Posted 11 May 2009 at 1:53 pm ¶Thanks both for your nice comments.
Wade – I think that I have become fairly set in my ways as well. This is alright, because I like my ways. I like the analogy of clay… When I was a teenager and even until I was, say, 22, I changed quite a lot. I’m not sure how much I have changed in the last four years. I really have the sense that my character has pretty much solidified.
I like what that 50something traveler said to you. I think I agree. My life is taking me along some interesting paths… I am perfectly happy to wait however long until I find someone going in the same (metaphorical and literal) direction.
Bob – thanks for reading! It sounds like you are honest with yourself about what it is that you enjoy and what makes you happy – this honesty, I think, is one of the most important thing to possess. I’m still working on it myself.
And, I’m sure it’s the “L word.”
Posted 11 May 2009 at 10:10 pm ¶Post a Comment